Cousins

Leia o post completo...

Baby Chloe

Leia o post completo...

How I remember AJs birth.

Jan 3rd I woke up feeling different. I had some bleeding and I was pretty emotional. Suzi came over so we could walk and see if I started to contract. I did but, they were not regular. I decided to clean the house and they got pretty close. Every 2 minutes while standing and then would move back to every 5 if I rested. Ann said I should wait a little while longer and try to eat dinner. I ate some chicken and felt soo sick, I started to contract every 2-3 minutes and we decided to go to the hospital to see if we were dilating enough to be admitted. At the hospital we got right in and didn't have to wait to be seen. My sisters (Amanda and Miera) got there right when we did...I thought "hey, this is working out great!"

The contractions stayed close through all the triage nurses questions and they were getting stronger. During one strong contraction I felt two weird punches. I said "ouch! fuck!". The nurse looked shocked and I tried to tell her what was wrong when my water broke. She tried to clean me up and decided to check me. She said I was a good five. I started crying bc I knew Jenn wouldn't have time to make the birth and bc I knew I had no chance for an epidural.

I told her I labor fast after my water breaks, but I don't think she believed me. They got my IV in and everyone was standing around...within a few minutes the contractions started to be really strong and I was feeling pressure, she said I was at a 7 and they got ready to move me into a room. As they moved me out Suzi walked up and I couldn't even say hi to her. I think I just looked at her like "please save me..its gonna hurt like hell"

As they pushed me into the hall I pretty much wished I was dead. The next contraction was body racking and I felt him move down.... I felt like he was crowning. I was screaming all the way down the hall and told Rob "HES COMING NOW". They got me in the door way of my room and I was ready to push. They wouldn't let me and told me to move from the triage bed into the delivery bed. I couldn't move or think..the whole room was spinning. They were insistent on making me move and Rob tried to help when I screamed "don't fucking touch me!!!! I hate you!" . Poor Rob! Ive never said that during labor before but I wasn't about to move my ass to a differet bed w/my baby's head trying to come out so I needed to make that fact VERY clear to him. They gave up trying to move me and his head came out on the triage bed with the next contraction (actually I think a nurse guided it out). After that they told me to push and soon he was out and giving us a good loud cry.

He was born in a "compound position" which they said meant he was born w/his hand up against his head (that combined with being born so fast is why he has a bruise on his face) also bc he was born so quickly he didn't get all the fluid in his lungs pushed out. They took him for a couple hrs to the step down unit to make sure he was breathing ok.

They brought him to my room at about midnight and that's when he and I fell in love. He is the most amazing beautiful baby boy! He is very intelligent (seriously, he is) and has beautiful blonde hair. He smells like Heaven and is so super soft. He loves me and wants to be with me as much as I need to hold him. I think he looks like both Jack and Michael..and Rob and my brother lol. He fits right in. I think we will keep him lol. :)

Anyway I wanted to thank everybody for the prayers said through this whole year. Ive only had about 4 hrs of sleep in the last 2 nights but I am happier now then I ever thought possible. Maybe its bc this pregnancy (year) was so scary, or bc I am older, or bc all during the first night in the hospital all I could think of was my last hospital stay and how beautifully different this stay was...(or maybe its just bc he is so beautiful) but I think out of all my pregnancies/babies I "get it" the most with this one. I get how much God loves me and how spoiled I am. I get that I will probably never be this happy or have things be this perfect again. I get that I dont deserve this ...I get it and its almost too much to absorb. I wish everyone could feel this happy. I love you ALL and thank you again for convincing God I ...for some reason ....deserve this joy.<3

Leia o post completo...

4 months later

Four months ago this morning my daughter had brain surgery. The day before it happened was Mother's Day. I remember she was not herself that day. Crying and crying. She said she felt fine and didn't have a fever so I figured she was over tired (altho we couldn't remember her going to bed late) and asked her to please TRY to stop crying. She said she would.

The next morning I got them ready for school like usual. She wore a shirt with a butterfly on it (which I ended up throwing away) and I put her hair in a pony tail. Right after I finished editing my 365 picture I made Sara/Mikey/Debbie/me/Rob lunch and the phone rang. I usually let the machine get it, but I had feeling it would be the school calling. When she said "Mrs McManus?" I recognized the school nurses voice and figured she was calling to tell me Anna threw up at school (shes so sensitive, sometimes she would puke for no reason). But she said "Anna has a very bad headache and is crying, will you talk to her?" I was surprised and said "oh, yea. put her on". She got on and the second she started to talk I started to feel all panicky. She was sobbing in this voice of hers that she only does when shes in horrible pain. She was saying "my head hurts so bad" and "can I please come home?". I started to get very upset and couldn't talk back so I gave the phone to Rob. He said "its ok, yes you can come home". Rob still had to finish his lunch and shower so I went to get her eventho I really didn't want to ....

I walked in and she looked like death. So pale..dark circles under her eyes. I asked what the hell happened and the nurse said "she slipped on the playground and went back to class..a little while later she said her head hurt so bad and the teacher sent her here". I walked over to Anna and I said "I didn't know you hit your head' she said "I didn't" I said "why does your head hurt so bad then?" she said "I slipped only on my knees". She started sobbing and puking and I said.."ok well maybe its a migraine. Lets go home". But she refused to walk. I carried her out and on our way out the nurse said "I know this child and she doesn't exaggerate... if it hurts that bad she should go to urgent care".

On the way home from the school (like 2 min drive) she was sobbing and puking puking puking. She was puking so hard she wouldn't breathe for the longest time and her eyes looked like they would pop out of her head. In between sobs she would cry out how bad it hurt. I pulled up in the driveway told her to stay there and went to get Rob. I said take her to urgent care NOW. He ran and got his shoes and they waited up there for 1.5 hrs? I kept texting to check up on her and he said she was sleeping and would only wake up to vomit. The doc finally saw her and said bc she was so sensitive to light (closing eyes) and the pain was mostly on one side that it was a migraine. He prescribed her meds for the pain and to stop the puking. The doc said to bring her back in 24 hrs if she wasn't better. Rob told me he would drop her off at home and then go get her meds.

I had her room set up all dark w/blankets on the window (light sensitive?) and a fan to drown out any noises that could upset her. (all I remember thinking was her room was like a tomb after that). She could barely walk to her bed and was asleep before she laid down. I said "this isn't right"...I had a concussion when I was in second grade and I remember exactly how it felt. So exhausted that you could only wake long enough to throw-up....and how hard it was to actually vomit. Like your body didn't want to let it out. I called my mom very upset and said I think something's wrong I told her what happened and asked how often I should wake her to make sure she knows her name. She said to check her every 10 mins, but she felt I should call an ambulance. I said I would see how it goes. Her puke started to get darker and I never had to wait the 10 mins to wake her bc she would puke every 2 minutes. I would ask her her name and she always knew. I asked her again if she was sure she didn't hit her head and she said yes. I said "why are you so tired then Anna?" she snuggled into her sheet after puking and mumbled "maybe I didn't sleep last night" and then she was out again. I kept calling Rob when he was at the pharmacy and telling him this wasn't right. I've never felt that afraid in my whole life SOMETHING was wrong. The NOT knowing what was wrong was the worst part. I told my friends online and I couldn't find any website that would tell me whats wrong if she didn't fall and hit her head. It made no logical sense and I was going crazy. My mom started to say something about it sounds like.. etc.. but when I got upset she said nevermind.

Finally after Rob got home I refused to give her the meds bc I didn't want it to cover up whatever was really wrong (what if it stopped her from puking and she went to sleep and never woke up?). We finally decided if she puked again we would take her to the ER. I left the room to update my friend and sister on the phone when I heard Rob brining her out of the room. I said "she puked again?" He said "I asked her to put her shoes on and she said 'whats shoes". I told him to call an ambulance bc I couldn't go w/him to the ER and if she got worse on the way he would be alone. As he called I tried to guide her to the couch and she tried to sit inside the trash can and anywhere she could so she could sleep.

I got her to the couch and finally the ambulance came. They came in and she wouldn't open her eyes. She wouldn't talk back. They were asking her name.. yelling it at her "Honey what is your name?" she finally whispered "Anna" he said to me "well at least shes responsive". Omg that made me sooo angry I had to leave the room. They were working on her. Giving her finger pricks (which she didn't move at ALL for) and they said her blood sugar was crazy high. So now Im thinking.. ??? diabetic coma???. Finally they take her in. I had to stay w/the kids and Robs Aunt who was hysterical bc everything was so scary :(. I called my sister and Jenn and my parents to tell them what happened. My parents came over and we all waited for news. I kept texting rob and he said "the nurse said its classic flu symptoms before she even looked at her" I was like "are you fucking kidding me!??!?". Why arent they paying attention? Finally I couldn't take the wait any more, I made her a little bag w/barbies and clean clothes and asked my dad to drive me to the hospital.

I couldn't remember which hospital the ambulance took her to so I called Rob. He answered and I said "I can't wait any more, what hospital are you at?" He said "Theresa you cant come here" I said "I can bc my dad will drive me, just tell me where?" his voice started to shake and he said "Theresa you cant come to this hospital bc they are moving her..her brain is bleeding" I started screaming "what? what?" he gave the phone to the ER doc who told me they did a CT and found blood in her brain. I was sobbing and the kids were sobbing and my parents were holding me up and I couldn't get ANY info from him. "What do you MEAN shes BLEEDING in the brain? She didn't hit her head..how can this happen??" He had NO answers for me. My mom got me in her car and my dad took my kids to my sister. Robs Aunt stayed in her room till somebody could check on her.

On the way there I couldn't think. I had to call Ann. I finally got to the ER and they were trying to take her blood, and it wasn't going well (losers) and there was blood all over her bed. She was she was sleeping and people were everywhere, Rob was upset and I felt like I would be sick. Rob hugged me and told me to kiss her and I did. I was glad she couldn't see me crying. She would open her eyes to try to talk then just sleep again. They told us she was going to be airlifted to Phoenix Children's Hospital and there was no room for us. We started our drive so we would be there when she landed.

The next little while was a blur.. too many emotions from everybody, MRIs and questions, fears and doubt. The doctor said they had to drain the blood and cauterize where it was bleeding from and the surgery would be in the morning. He said old blood is easier to deal with then new, so he wanted it to set for a while. That night was torture. She cried out every few minutes and we would hold her bucket for her. My mom let us sleep for a couple hours and she was there to hold the bucket (idk how she stayed awake all night). In the morning the doctor showed us her MRI and explained everything. I couldn't believe how serious it really was. I mean I *knew*, but I didn't really *know* till he showed me a picture of my child's brain and how much blood there really was.....

We walked down the hall with her to the operating room and kissed her goodbye. The surgeon said not to worry and I almost believed him. We waited in the waiting room with family and friends... I made a visit to the chapel, but that was too heavy for me. I had to stick to informal prayers. Begging God "please Father don't take her away" not only physically but her personality.. what if it changed? Rob and I thought she was too perfect and that's why she had to go.. but she couldnt. I would die...all of us would die.

They were great with updating us ..nurses came out every hour. Then finally the doctor came out to tell us it went great. We went to see her and she actually spoke to us. She would moan and sleep but I couldn't believe how much "better" she seemed. The next few days were really tuff. She couldn't stop throwing up from the meds..so they had to give her stuff for that which made her sleep. She couldn't eat or pee. Gradually she would stay wake for longer periods and sometimes talk. She would try to eat and soon was well enough to come home. But she wasn't herself...she didn't smile (unless asked to) or laugh .....a couple times she was snippy (from the pain) and I was so scared we lost our sweet little girl. Then a couple weeks later, after the the staples were removed ..it was like she came alive again. Always playing and laughing.She said she didnt laugh before bc she was afraid and now shes not.

Now 4 months later you wouldn't even know it happened. Her hair has grown back so much and she can do almost everything a normal little girl can do (no gymnastics). She has no permanent damage, not even her vision which he said was almost certain. She is in the top of her class for math and is reading almost 2 grads higher then she is in. She brings home her papers with a big A+ on them and is so proud. Her teacher loves her and says she is so helpful and "untouchable" when it comes to learning. She is excited to take an art class this fall (it has photography) and is slightly more shy then she was last yr but still is excited about everything and wants to try new things.

I am convinced God changed his mind about taking her home that day. Ive never seen such an out pouring of prayers. All of our family and friends pulled through asking everyone for prayers. The people on Flickr were amazing and even a Christian radio stations all sent out prayers. That is what changed His mind...he showed us mercy. I am 100% convinced of it. I could never tell any of you how grateful I am. So I will just say thank you.

Leia o post completo...